Sitting is the New Smoking

Just when you thought the only real hazard to working in a cubicle was going insane, the Mayo Clinic releases an article called SITTING IS THE NEW SMOKING.

What do they know? Sitting is a lot more than dropping your derriere in the swivel chair. It is nuanced. Why narrow down sitting to only sitting? For example…

Rolling to the laser printer while seated in your swivel chair – is also the new smoking…

Sending a document to the printer while furtively lowering your eyes, pretending to be engrossed in work, but cunningly waiting until a coworker prints a document, retrieves it from the printer, along with yours, and drops yours on your desk – is also the new smoking…

Cruising by an occupied conference room during an ongoing breakfast meeting, like a proactive vulture surveilling for potential leftovers – is also the new smoking…

Stalking the hospitality staff as they clear up after a lunch meeting and then converging on and picking at the meal caddy like landlocked seagulls as they wheel it out of the conference room – is also the new smoking…

Casually loitering amid the array of cardboard pizza boxes following a company hosted pizza party until the last employee has left the kitchen, and then constructing a rising pizza tower of alternating paper plates and cold slices, and then wrapping your masterpizza in a wad of company tinfoil, which you will later call dinner – is also the new smoking…

Impatiently waiting until the first wave of employees has entered and vacated the kitchen for their respective free cupcake in honor of those celebrating their birthday that month before you cram as many remaining cupcakes into as many Styrofoam coffee cups as you can handle (and disguising your booty under plastic coffee cup lids) – is also the new smoking.

Choosing an overly salted offering of junk food dangling inside the company-supplied vending machine, which is strategically positioned near the water cooler in case of sudden heart attacks, and feeding the slot daily with dollar bills, and following that up with suggestive hip-bumping to the machine when your bag of mostly air gets ensnared on its way down the chute – is that conduct you would expect from a chief administrative officer? – YES IT IS! – is also the new smoking.


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